Dumb Lawsuits

There’s not an intro I could write that could make this story funnier, so I’ll just come right out and say it. As a professional comedy writer, I’m not proud of saying there’s no way I could make something funnier. Well, I probably could but it wouldn’t make much sense just to write gibberish like “I like peanut butter!” or “Ducks are evil…EVIL!” just for the sake of trying to top something. So here we go…

CHARLESTON, S.C. (Sunday Gazette-Mail) — A Kanawha Circuit judge on Tuesday threw out the lawsuit of a Sissonville High School student who wanted her grade changed on a leaf project she turned in late.

Judge Duke Bloom granted a defense motion to dismiss the student’s suit, writing that unless a teacher made a mathematical error in calculating a student’s grade, state law forbids anyone else from stepping in to change it.

“It is not, in this Court’s view, a proper role for a court to assess whether a particular penalty imposed for turning in schoolwork late is too harsh,” Bloom wrote.

A student sued their teacher for getting a bad grade? I know what we’re all thinking, so I’ll just come out and say it: why didn’t I think of that?

The student turned in a leaf collection project late, which she claimed she was unable to do on time because of her duties as a member of the student council. Failing a member of the student council? Is our moral fabric as a people ripping at the seams?

The teacher initially gave the student a zero, but after her parents complained, the teacher gave her half credit. Man, I wish she would have tried to pull this crap in the Catholic high school I went to as an angry teen. Not only would she have gotten a rap on the knuckles with a ruler from Sister Mary Hades, but if her parents complained, they would have gotten a taste of the ruler too.